Nation Mourns Death of Paula Radcliffe’s Career

A nation has been left stunned with news of the death of Paula Radcliffe’s 20 year athletics career. But tonight as the Olympic Cauldron burned brightly, the final flames of the World Record holder’s Olympic dream died.

Lets not tell Elton John

The wobbly headed pavement pounder was said to be “heartbroken”, and “in tears again”, after being forced to pull out of next Sunday’s marathon after doctor’s confirmed she has an “old foot”. Medical experts believe the foot, Radcliffe’s left, is “getting on for nearly 40 years old!” The news signalled the end of Radcliffe’s running about as the condition is irreversible.

The sad news triggered an outpouring of grief on a scale last seen following the tragic death of Princess Diana in the failed Olympic 2012 bid city, Paris, 15 years ago.

When asked about Radcliffe’s lack of Olympic success one mourner fought back tears to tell us: “If anyone deserved an Olympic medal it was Paula. I mean, she won all the big marathons, London, New York, Boston. But she just didn’t seem to be as good when money wasn’t involved.”

Another sobbing mourner sporting Radcliffe’s trademark nose plaster said: “You can keep your Dame Kelly Holmes. I’ll take my Princess Paula any day.”

Despite World and Commonwealth success, the later years of Radcliffe’s career were plagued by mistakes such as over training, and forgetting to go to the toilet before the start of the 2005 London Marathon.

One TV pundit and Welsh track legend said: “Paula’s greatest quality was her never say die attitude. She just never knew when to throw the towel in, which was probably sometime around 2006 if we’re being honest.”

Daley Blames Twitter for Medal Failure

24 hours after twitter was identified as the source of technical problems during Sunday’s Men’s road race, Tom Daley has sensationally blamed the social messaging service for his and bullet bonsed diving partner Pete Waterfields failure to secure a medal in today’s 10m synchronised falling finals.

Daley and Waterfield: Upset, Angry, Bald

Officials’ were tonight investigating claims by Daley that Chinese divers Yuan Cao and Yanquan Zhang were tweeting “a series of off putting comments” about the hotly tipped diving odd couple during the competition.

Team GB brought attention to tweets believed to be written by the Chinese diving duo under the name @webest2diversinworld.

One tweet read “Daley you dive like girl... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRHHH SPLOSH LOL!” Whilst another claimed: “Daley U trunx 2 tight. U got BONER!!!”

When it became clear that the Chinese divers had upset Daley they turned their attention on team mate Pete Waterfield tweeting: “HA HA… U MAKE BIG SPLASH SLAPHEAD”. In response, shiny headed short house Waterfield told World of Sports: “I wouldn’t mind but even Tom re-tweeted that one.”

BREAKING NEWS: Fist-Pumping at All Time High

Levels of unexplained Fist-Pumping by members of Team GB at Olympic Venues are reportedly reaching ‘epidemic levels’.

Long Term Fist-Pump Fever sufferer Andy Murray

The outbreak of outwardly expressed misplaced self-satisfaction is believed to have originated from Wimbledon’s centre court yesterday afternoon. The first reported instance of Fist-Pump Fever came when Team GB tennis star Anne Keothavong nearly got past the first round.

Since then signs of Fist-Pump Fever have been witness in venues as varied as the Aquatic Centre, and The Mall, scene of the dramatic finish to the Men’s cycling road race. However, medical experts are trying to reassure members of the public that the danger of FPF leading to any medals actually being won remains low.

Team GB Rowers Feel the Pressure of Instant Anonymity

Team GB Rowers are believed to be feeling incredible levels of pressure as a result of the overwhelming lack of attention they are receiving whilst performing at their home Olympics.

Team GB Medal Hopefuls Andy Thingy and  Pete Whatshisname 

Team GB Rowing coach Lord Walter Smythington-Brown of East Rochester told World of Sports: “Rowing can be very stressful for the competitors. But try to imagine performing at the highest level when you have to contend with crowds in excess of 35, many of whom would rather be at the tennis. Throw 1 or 2 local residents taking their dogs for a walk along the bank into the mix and you have a classic ‘pressure cooker’ environment.”

The atmosphere at the Eton Dorney Rowing Centre is believed to be increasingly super-duper tense as Team GB look to satisfy the unrealistic expectations of the excitedly sparse crowds.

One unnamed member of the team said “To be honest if it’s not Oxford, Cambridge, or bloody Sir Steve Redgrave it seems the British public couldn’t give a toss. I don’t know why we bother.”

History has shown that every Olympics herald the arrival of a new sporting superstar that becomes a household name seemingly overnight, but it is highly unlikely they will come from the 2012 GB Rowing Team.

Rowing legend Matthew Pinsent said: “If you get it right you are instantly thrust into the public consciousness. I mean I’ve lost count of number of times I’ve been asked by members of the public if I’m Ben Fogle, or Prince William.”

Fabio Capello: I could have taken England further if it wasn’t for the players

Fabio Capello has stunned England player and fans by claiming he could have taken the national side further in Euro 2012 than manager Roy Hodgeson if the players had learned to speak Italian. 

Whats a matter you? Hey, Shaddup you face

“Roy [Hodgeson] had the advantage of speaking roughly the same language as the players, and I didn’t”: said Capello, in Italian. He continued: “If the players had only made an effort to learn my language then I could have told them what to do, but none of them could be bothered despite having the best part of 5 years to crack it.”

Communication problems between manager and players were always a sore point within the England setup.

An unnamed England player told World of Sports: “Most of the time we had no idea what Fabio was banging on about. Luckily for us he used to wave his arms about a lot and that kind of helped. The only player who didn’t struggle was Frank Lampard as he just did what he wanted anyway.”

When asked to clarify his point in English Capello said: “John Terry’s cat is… how do you say… in the beach.”

Capello’s tenure as England manager came to an abrupt end when he resigned only weeks before his planned holiday in Poland.

Roy Hodgeson responded to the criticism by saying “Unfortunately Mr Capello words strike of disparagement.” A point he reiterated in all 26 langauges that he can speak, including Italian.

London 2012: Opening Ceremony Details Revealed

With the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics only hours away, World of Sports can exclusively bring you some details of the planned spectacular event.

oooh, aarrrh.

The ceremony is believed to be a celebration of some of Great Britian’s most historically significant events. Proceedings will get underway with Sir Steve Redgrave rowing a life sized replica of Lord Nelson’s flag ship HMS Victory into the Olympic Stadium which will then engage in battle, not only with French warships, but to avoid offence will also sink stunning recreations of the Bismarck, the General Bengrano, and TV funny man David Walliams.

This will be followed by scenes including a re-enactment of Brian Dowling’s 2010 Ultimate Big Brother win, as well as the crash landing of Britian’s Beagle 2 into the surface of Mars.

It is understood that live music will be provided by acts such as Bucks Fizz or M People, and will also feature a rare live performance by Sir Paul McCartney.

The arts will be represented by a nonsensical piece of rubbish by BritArt stalwart Damien Hurst titled ‘I can’t believe I still get away with this sh*t!’

The identity of who will be lighting the Olympic cauldron is still a tightly guarded secret, but bookmakers’ favourites include: Sven Goran Eriksson, Zola Budd, Windsor Davies, Lily Allen, and Mario Balotelli.

The 9 hour ceremony will then culminate in a firework display which reportedly will cost almost £84.

When asked for a comment Deputy Prime Minister Nick Glegg shouted from his bedroom window “It all sound brilliant. I’ll be watching it live on television if Dave will let me stay up late.”

Opening Ceremony Director Danny Boyle was apparently unable to confirm any of these details as he had “just nipped out to Asda to get a few bits”, an official said.



Michael Schumacher Receives 10 Place Grid Penalty Following ‘Fashion Infringement’

Michael Schumacher is to be handed a 10 place grid penalty ahead of this weekend’s Hungarian Grand Prix for breaking strict Formula One fashion regulations.

Unbelievable

German veteran Schumacher, 50, has been handed the penalty after being seen in public wearing three quarter length trousers, slip-on trainers and a shark tooth necklace all at the same time. Mercedes team principle Ross Braun was said to be ‘extremely disappointed’, but whether this was with the penalty or Schumacher’s dress sense was unclear.

F1 supremo and part time Sid Little lookalike Bernie Ecclestone said “For Christ sake, we all try our hardest to make Formula One look cool and then Michael goes out in public looking like he got dressed in the dark.”

Fellow Grand Prix ace Jenson Button added “I know it was his heyday but he can’t keep living in the mid-nineties, even if he is German”.

Schumacher was unavailable for comment because he was busy playing on his Sega Mega Drive.

London 2012: Women’s Football Match Abandoned over Petty Dispute

The 2012 Olympic Women’s Football competition was disrupted yesterday when a controversial offside decision caused North Koreas match against Columbia to be abandoned

Song Dim Suu's 'Rubbish' Ball

Trouble flared when North Korean captain Song Dim Suu was ruled offside by makeshift lines person and Columbian rush goalkeeper Renni Valderez. Valderez was adamant that Dim Suu received the ball in an offside position despite the Korean striker arguing otherwise. The argument carried on for several minutes before Dim Suu decided to go home, taking her ball with her.

A pitch side source said he overheard Dim Suu shout “there is no way that was offside. Right I’m going home. Give me my ball back”. However the unrest continued for a further 10 minutes when Columbian captain Heldi Montenegro refused to return the ball, arguing that “possession is 9 tenths of the law.”

A Columbian source said after the incident “She can keep her ball, its rubbish anyway. I’ll bring my ball tomorrow and it’s an Adidas one like the proper players use.”

This isn’t the first time Song Dim Suu has disrupted an International fixture by taking her ball home. Only last month North Koreas match against Spain was abandoned when the Dim Suu’s mother made her go in for her tea only minutes after half time.

In other women’s Olympic football news Ghana’s match against German ended 2-1 after a poor clearance saw the ball go into back garden of number 47 Highland Road, who apparently they have a ‘massive dog.’

Olympic security increased following Tour De France podium invasion

Security for London 2012 Olympics is to be increase following a security breach during the official prize giving ceremony at the end on Sunday’s final stage of the Tour de France in Paris.

Striking terror in to sports fans across the world

Onlookers were left stunned when a middle aged woman, draped in a Union Jack was able to evade security officials to mount the podium. Standing only feet away from a bemused race winner Bradley Wiggins, the intruder began what was believed to be an overly hammy rendition of God Save the Queen. French cycling legend and race official Bernard Hinault was said to have been left even more furious than usual.

The identity of the uninvited songstress was later confirmed as Lesley Garret, 57 of Doncaster, England. Ms Garrett was later released after receiving a police caution.

In response to the incident security will be increased for all Olympic events where British competitors are expected to do reasonably well, maybe even medal. London 2012 bigwig Lord Coe said, “I can confirm that we will have snipers positions around the Olympic venues should Ms Garrett try to make a repeat performance, as this sh*t ain’t gonna happen in London. Not on my watch.”

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