David Beckham in talks over ‘dream move’ to Wolverhampton Wanderers

Popular underpants model David Beckham is meeting with Wolverhampton Wanderers officials to discuss what is believed to be a dream move for both the former England captain and his tone deaf twiglet wife Victoria.

Wonderful Wolverhampton

Beckham who has played for some of the world’s greatest clubs as well as Manchester United is said to be thrilled to have attracted attention from the West Midlands ninth best football team, having announced his desire to leave Los Angeles for somewhere ‘more glamorous’.

The possible arrival in the city of the beckhams has been greeted with great excitement. One local newspaper hailed it as “the best thing to happen to Wolverhampton since Mick McCarthy fucked off”, although nobody in Wolverhampton can actually read.

An unnamed club official told World of Sports: “Both David and Victoria will naturally be drawn to the city due to its close proximity to the Merry Hill Shopping Centre which has a pretty big TK Maxx as well as a new Primark, and there’s free parking. He added: “and if that’s not enough then Walsall is just down the road”.

However, one possible stumbling block to the move is the language barrier which would see the ex-England captain having to learn the notoriously confusing ‘Yam Yam’ dialect.

Although local Counsellor Ted Clagnut was quick to dispel any fears the Beckhams may have towards relocating to the city. He told World of Sports: “Life in Wolverhampton is not so different to Los Angeles with gun crime going through the roof and the city being home to some of Britain’s fattest bastards”.

Jimmy Savile stripped of marathon result following elite athlete abuse allegations

Cigar smoking sex monster Jimmy Savile has been removed from the official result of the 1985 London marathon following accusations that the fundraising kiddy fiddler attempted to molest a number of elite athletes during the race.

How's about you suck on this!

Several of the worlds best marathon runners have made allegations that the sexually deviant scarecrow attempted to ‘interfere’ with them. One athlete even went as far as attributing his high placed finish to being chased by the creepy children’s television presenter for the first three miles of the race.

Another elite athlete explained to World of Sports how he thought he was being wrapped in a foil blanket at the end of the race only to discover he was actually being molested by shell suit clad sex beast Savile who had his repulsive northern nut sack hanging out.

Pervertologists overwhelmingly believe that the sight of all those slightly built runners in their fluorescent pumps and short shorts proved too much of a temptation for the pube averse pervert.

However, Savile’s disqualification is good news for the huge number of fun runners who have seen their race results amended.

Tony Hills, an office supplies manager who finished the 1985 race just outside the top four thousand told World of Sports: “I was contacted out of the blue by the marathon organisers who informed me that I had been promoted by one place following the disqualification of that dirty bastard Jimmy Savile. I was over the moon".

He added: “I know all this paedophile business is awful, but every cloud has a silver lining.”

Chelsea players angered by referee’s use of ‘quite long words’

The Football Association is to investigate allegations made by Chelsea that controversial referee Mark Clattenburg left a number of players angry and confused by using ‘inappropriately language’ that is believed to have included several quite long words.

Visibly upset after being called a 'bum loaf'

Chelsea have made a formal complaint, accusing parks-pitch playboy Mark Clattenburg of using “language beyond the grasp of the average footballer” during Manchester United’s 3-2 win at Stamford Bridge.

It is claimed that Clattenburg wilfully banded about a flourish of five and six letter words that disorientated the Chelsea players, World of Sports has learned.

With the help of a grown up one Chelsea player was able to explain how he had been left baffled after Clattenburg called him a ‘turgid cock-stain’.

 “He used loads of words I don’t understand. At one point I was clearly fouled and he just called me a swindling turd-basket. I don’t even know what a turd-basket is”.

Whilst the Football Association said it would investigate the very serious allegations, one leading sports psychologist told World of Sports: “You have to be careful how you communicate with footballers. If you use words of three syllables or more they will accuse you of disrespecting them. Either that or they’ll throw themselves to the ground like screaming coco-pop deprived toddlers”.

“As I have said many time before footballers are not like me and you, unless you happen to be a lottery winning fuckwit that is”.

Lance Armstrong overjoyed to be declared ‘worlds greatest cheat’

Ultra competitive US cycling star Lance Armstrong said he is ‘overjoyed’ after the US Anti-Doping Agency declared him to be “the greatest drug cheat in sporting history”, a title that had been held by fraudulent Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson for over twenty-four years.

Armstrong's team bus 'the vitamin van'

Although he did not refer to the doping scandal directly during his first speech since the USADA named him as the mastermind of a major doping ring, the disgraced Texan did talk at great length about how brilliant he is and how he’s had to overcome serious illness.

Armstrong was speaking at a star studded event to mark the 15^th anniversary of his charity, Livestrong. Although Hollywood A-listers Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan both pulled out of the event claiming they no longer wish to be association with the disgraced cyclist.

The US Anti-Doping Agency published a 1,000-page report last week saying he was a “lying, manipulative, arrogant, serial cheat”.

Armstrong’s lawyer has described the report as “pretty accurate”.

At Fridays fundraiser Armstrong told supporters: “Always strive to be the best you can be in whatever you do, whether it’s your school work, your job, or using £20m dollars of government money to orchestrate the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme ever seen in sport”.

“This title means more to me than any of my seven Tour de France victories. It proves you can achieve anything in life if you’re willing to take enough steroids to give you cancer”.

Tyson Fury bookmakers favourite to win Sports Personality of the Year 2012

Bookmaker Paddy Gamble claim grubby sex pests and skiving builders all across Britain have been giving an ‘astonishing’ amount of backing to heavyweight Tyson Fury in the race for BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year after the WBC Intercontinental champion revealed himself to be a fellow bigoted homophobe. 

Preparations are well under way for Fury's next fight

Fury, whose two fights this year have been shit began to attract backing from degenerate gamblers and urine scented outcasts alike after aiming an incomprehensible tirade of offensive narrow minded tweets at fellow heavyweight David Price which seems to have appealed to the bookmakers core customers.

A spokesperson for Paddy Gamble said: “We were sure the punters favourite would be someone nice like Jess Ennis or that posh sprinter with the leg, but we’d forgotten how popular illiterate homophobic chavs are with the sort of people who hang around the bookies all day.”

“I suppose if they can vote for that cheating turd Ryan Giggs, then a cock-fearing moron like Tyson Fury should be right up their street.”

The former British title relinquisher attracted heavy backing after expressing his disgust towards homosexuals, Liverpudlians, and outdoor toilets. But support fell dramatically when it was reported in the Racing Post that Fury is a Gypsy.

One livid punter told World of Sports: “I put fifty quid on Fury, then I find out he’s a friggin gypo! I’ll never see that again, like the pikeys who never finished my driveway.”

Fury’s next defence of his Irish and Intercontinental titles is scheduled to be televised on a Jeremy Kyle Show special, broadcast live from Weston-Super-Mare.

John Terry decides not to appeal against ‘massive twat’ penalty

John Terry has decided to not appeal against a four game ban imposed by the Football Association after having found the Chelsea Captain guilty of being ‘a massive twat’.

Crack-shot and Toolbox

Terry, who is also know for parking his £100,000 Bentley in spaces reserved for the disabled as well as having sex with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend said: “I want to apologise to my team mates and all the Chelsea fans for only being a massive first class twat.”

“I know they expect worse from me and I vow to work harder in the future to become the kind of repugnant shit bag they seem to like at this club.”

An independent Football Association panel found serial dickhead Terry guilty of being a massive twat during a game at Loftus Road on 23 October 2011.

In a statement, the club added: “We fully support John’s decision to admit being a massive twat. The club firmly believes that his recent behaviour has fallen below the standard of morally deprived arseholary expected of John as a Chelsea player, although we recognise that becoming an implausible racist is a move in the right direction.”

However The British Society of Twats reacted angrily to the decision calling it an ‘insult’ to genuine twats.

With Terry due to miss Chelsea’s next four domestic matches the captains armband is expected to be handed to air rifle loving greedy shit Ashley Cole.

Audley Harrison: “I still have one last defeat left in me”

Despite being knocked out by David Price in the first round of their heavyweight contest on Saturday Audley Harrison is refusing to call time on his boxing career claiming he still has one last heavy defeat in him.

Harrison in full flow

 

The 2011 Strictly Come Dancing lummox’s challenge for Price’s British and Commonwealth titles lasted only 82 seconds, but the former Olympic champion believes he still has all the tools required to get knocked to the canvas like a tonne of bricks inside a wardrobe by either of the Klitschko brothers.

Feather fisted non-fighter Harrison told World of Sports: “Now I’ve perfected my no-punch technique I know I have enough quality to get sparked anyplace and anytime, but what better way to finish my career in boxing than being given a proper skull knackering by a World Champion.”

Harrison whose career peaked somewhere between beating a cruiserweight doorman in 2002 and losing to a part-time taxi driver in 2008 is being urged by some in his own camp to hang up his gloves after a string of world class anesthetizing’s, but the semi-conscious canvas comforter claims to still have the hunger for one more of those trademark ‘lights out’ moments.

If Harrison does decide to continue fighting 2013 could prove to be a busy year as he also plans to publish his highly anticipated autobiography Fifty Shades of Shit.