Chelsea players angered by referee’s use of ‘quite long words’

The Football Association is to investigate allegations made by Chelsea that controversial referee Mark Clattenburg left a number of players angry and confused by using ‘inappropriately language’ that is believed to have included several quite long words.

Visibly upset after being called a 'bum loaf'

Chelsea have made a formal complaint, accusing parks-pitch playboy Mark Clattenburg of using “language beyond the grasp of the average footballer” during Manchester United’s 3-2 win at Stamford Bridge.

It is claimed that Clattenburg wilfully banded about a flourish of five and six letter words that disorientated the Chelsea players, World of Sports has learned.

With the help of a grown up one Chelsea player was able to explain how he had been left baffled after Clattenburg called him a ‘turgid cock-stain’.

 “He used loads of words I don’t understand. At one point I was clearly fouled and he just called me a swindling turd-basket. I don’t even know what a turd-basket is”.

Whilst the Football Association said it would investigate the very serious allegations, one leading sports psychologist told World of Sports: “You have to be careful how you communicate with footballers. If you use words of three syllables or more they will accuse you of disrespecting them. Either that or they’ll throw themselves to the ground like screaming coco-pop deprived toddlers”.

“As I have said many time before footballers are not like me and you, unless you happen to be a lottery winning fuckwit that is”.

Lance Armstrong overjoyed to be declared ‘worlds greatest cheat’

Ultra competitive US cycling star Lance Armstrong said he is ‘overjoyed’ after the US Anti-Doping Agency declared him to be “the greatest drug cheat in sporting history”, a title that had been held by fraudulent Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson for over twenty-four years.

Armstrong's team bus 'the vitamin van'

Although he did not refer to the doping scandal directly during his first speech since the USADA named him as the mastermind of a major doping ring, the disgraced Texan did talk at great length about how brilliant he is and how he’s had to overcome serious illness.

Armstrong was speaking at a star studded event to mark the 15^th anniversary of his charity, Livestrong. Although Hollywood A-listers Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan both pulled out of the event claiming they no longer wish to be association with the disgraced cyclist.

The US Anti-Doping Agency published a 1,000-page report last week saying he was a “lying, manipulative, arrogant, serial cheat”.

Armstrong’s lawyer has described the report as “pretty accurate”.

At Fridays fundraiser Armstrong told supporters: “Always strive to be the best you can be in whatever you do, whether it’s your school work, your job, or using £20m dollars of government money to orchestrate the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme ever seen in sport”.

“This title means more to me than any of my seven Tour de France victories. It proves you can achieve anything in life if you’re willing to take enough steroids to give you cancer”.

Tyson Fury bookmakers favourite to win Sports Personality of the Year 2012

Bookmaker Paddy Gamble claim grubby sex pests and skiving builders all across Britain have been giving an ‘astonishing’ amount of backing to heavyweight Tyson Fury in the race for BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year after the WBC Intercontinental champion revealed himself to be a fellow bigoted homophobe. 

Preparations are well under way for Fury's next fight

Fury, whose two fights this year have been shit began to attract backing from degenerate gamblers and urine scented outcasts alike after aiming an incomprehensible tirade of offensive narrow minded tweets at fellow heavyweight David Price which seems to have appealed to the bookmakers core customers.

A spokesperson for Paddy Gamble said: “We were sure the punters favourite would be someone nice like Jess Ennis or that posh sprinter with the leg, but we’d forgotten how popular illiterate homophobic chavs are with the sort of people who hang around the bookies all day.”

“I suppose if they can vote for that cheating turd Ryan Giggs, then a cock-fearing moron like Tyson Fury should be right up their street.”

The former British title relinquisher attracted heavy backing after expressing his disgust towards homosexuals, Liverpudlians, and outdoor toilets. But support fell dramatically when it was reported in the Racing Post that Fury is a Gypsy.

One livid punter told World of Sports: “I put fifty quid on Fury, then I find out he’s a friggin gypo! I’ll never see that again, like the pikeys who never finished my driveway.”

Fury’s next defence of his Irish and Intercontinental titles is scheduled to be televised on a Jeremy Kyle Show special, broadcast live from Weston-Super-Mare.

John Terry decides not to appeal against ‘massive twat’ penalty

John Terry has decided to not appeal against a four game ban imposed by the Football Association after having found the Chelsea Captain guilty of being ‘a massive twat’.

Crack-shot and Toolbox

Terry, who is also know for parking his £100,000 Bentley in spaces reserved for the disabled as well as having sex with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend said: “I want to apologise to my team mates and all the Chelsea fans for only being a massive first class twat.”

“I know they expect worse from me and I vow to work harder in the future to become the kind of repugnant shit bag they seem to like at this club.”

An independent Football Association panel found serial dickhead Terry guilty of being a massive twat during a game at Loftus Road on 23 October 2011.

In a statement, the club added: “We fully support John’s decision to admit being a massive twat. The club firmly believes that his recent behaviour has fallen below the standard of morally deprived arseholary expected of John as a Chelsea player, although we recognise that becoming an implausible racist is a move in the right direction.”

However The British Society of Twats reacted angrily to the decision calling it an ‘insult’ to genuine twats.

With Terry due to miss Chelsea’s next four domestic matches the captains armband is expected to be handed to air rifle loving greedy shit Ashley Cole.

Audley Harrison: “I still have one last defeat left in me”

Despite being knocked out by David Price in the first round of their heavyweight contest on Saturday Audley Harrison is refusing to call time on his boxing career claiming he still has one last heavy defeat in him.

Harrison in full flow

 

The 2011 Strictly Come Dancing lummox’s challenge for Price’s British and Commonwealth titles lasted only 82 seconds, but the former Olympic champion believes he still has all the tools required to get knocked to the canvas like a tonne of bricks inside a wardrobe by either of the Klitschko brothers.

Feather fisted non-fighter Harrison told World of Sports: “Now I’ve perfected my no-punch technique I know I have enough quality to get sparked anyplace and anytime, but what better way to finish my career in boxing than being given a proper skull knackering by a World Champion.”

Harrison whose career peaked somewhere between beating a cruiserweight doorman in 2002 and losing to a part-time taxi driver in 2008 is being urged by some in his own camp to hang up his gloves after a string of world class anesthetizing’s, but the semi-conscious canvas comforter claims to still have the hunger for one more of those trademark ‘lights out’ moments.

If Harrison does decide to continue fighting 2013 could prove to be a busy year as he also plans to publish his highly anticipated autobiography Fifty Shades of Shit.

FA Unveils State of the Art Centre of Mediocrity

Football Association chairman David Bernstein has described the opening of its new £105m centre of mediocrity as an ‘historic day’ that is hoped will see England remain firmly on the periphery of international success for years to come.

Says it all

The 303-acre site officially opened by a fully clothed Duchess of Cambridge is the result of substantial financial investment by the FA aimed at maintaining the gulf in performance between England and traditionally more successful countries such as Spain and Greece.

“This state of the art facility should produce generation upon generation of England player easily capable of an encouraging 1-1 draw with Nigeria,” Bernstein told World of Sports.

“But you don’t just concede four goals to Germany by accident. That sort of inept underperformance takes long term planning and poor execution, so if club England want to remain the eighth, ninth, or even tenth best team on the world stage we had to invest now.”

Catering for the modern footballers every need facilities at St George’s Park include 1 floodlit pitch, 4 golf courses, stables for 20 horses, tanning salon, several nightclubs, a custody suit, magistrates court, rifle range, knocking shop, and free Wi-Fi access.

Former England manager and 2012 Paralympics ambassador Glenn Hoddle told World of Sports: “I think it’s a great idea to get all the England players together in a rural location where they can go about their business uninterrupted, a bit like the gypsies.”

Ricky Hatton Announces Shock Competitive Eating Retirement

Big boned boxing balloon Ricky Hatton has shocked fat fans around the world by announcing that he is to retire from competitive eating after three highly successful seasons in order to return to a career in professional boxing.

Hatton spoiling for a bun fight

Officials at the British Competitive Eating Association (BCEA) have been left dismayed by the pie loving pugilists’ decision as it comes just days ahead of the London 2012 Obese Olympics where it was hoped heavyweight Hatton could bring home a gold medal in the All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet category.

But some in the sport believe Hatton is making a mistake by getting back into the ring. Barry McGuigan told World of Sports: “Ricky could be biting off more than he can chew; I just hope he doesn’t end up with egg on his face.”

When asked for his thoughts on Hatton’s proposed comeback a surprised Chris Eubank said: “The fat c*nts doing what?”

Despite previously holding world titles at two weights Hatton’s boxing career has been about as active as his thyroid gland in recent years, but this isn’t a decision that ‘The Hitman’ has taken lightly.

Hatton told World of Sports: “Most people are expecting me to get battered like chip shop cod, hmmm chip shop cod.” He added: “This fighter is a tough cookie, hmmm cookies. This fight isn’t going to be a picnic, hmmm picnic,” before he had to leave abruptly to take what he referred to as a “massive sh*t.”