FA Unveils State of the Art Centre of Mediocrity

Football Association chairman David Bernstein has described the opening of its new £105m centre of mediocrity as an ‘historic day’ that is hoped will see England remain firmly on the periphery of international success for years to come.

Says it all

The 303-acre site officially opened by a fully clothed Duchess of Cambridge is the result of substantial financial investment by the FA aimed at maintaining the gulf in performance between England and traditionally more successful countries such as Spain and Greece.

“This state of the art facility should produce generation upon generation of England player easily capable of an encouraging 1-1 draw with Nigeria,” Bernstein told World of Sports.

“But you don’t just concede four goals to Germany by accident. That sort of inept underperformance takes long term planning and poor execution, so if club England want to remain the eighth, ninth, or even tenth best team on the world stage we had to invest now.”

Catering for the modern footballers every need facilities at St George’s Park include 1 floodlit pitch, 4 golf courses, stables for 20 horses, tanning salon, several nightclubs, a custody suit, magistrates court, rifle range, knocking shop, and free Wi-Fi access.

Former England manager and 2012 Paralympics ambassador Glenn Hoddle told World of Sports: “I think it’s a great idea to get all the England players together in a rural location where they can go about their business uninterrupted, a bit like the gypsies.”