Mercedes Still Waiting for ‘Right Time’ to Explain Retirement to Confused Schumacher

Mercedes team boss Ross Brawn has said he faces a “difficult decision” over when to tell Formula one fossil Michael Schumacher that it’s probably best that he goes to live in a formula one retirement home.

A Spot of Bother Parking at ASDA

Having signed Lewis Hamilton for next season Brawn has been left with the tough task of breaking the bad news to Schumacher, 70, who is said to have become increasingly confused in recent years.

“Michael doesn’t seem to be able to remember even simply instructions such as ‘don’t crash’ anymore, so trying to explain that its time he went to live in a home is going to be a right pain in the ar*e,” Brawn told World of Sports.

But some senior Mercedes figures believe time has run out as Schumacher has apparently noticed a “dark chap” at work this week. Staff at the Brackley based team have been forced to explain to the geriatric German that you can’t say that sort of thing anymore.

Team boss Ross Braun also confirmed that working with Schumacher had become at times ‘bizarre’ and ‘frustrating’. He told World of Sports: “Michael had began to believe he was Michael Knight from cult television show Knight Rider”

Marble misplacing Schumacher was reportedly demanding that Brawn mimic the cars pompous English accent during radio transmissions, something many in the F1 paddock believe would be quite easy for the Mercedes boss.

England Manager calls for Television Scheduling Rethink

England boss Roy Hodgeson wants television companies to stop showing his players favourite programmes whilst they are on international duty as none of them know how to set Sky plus to record.

Hodgeson hates missing The Big Bang Theory

There have been reports of trouble within the England camp with some members of the squad refusing to play if it means missing shows such as ‘Banged Up Abroad’ or ‘The Hotel Inspector’.

One solution being put forward by the England manager is that International matches are played on Tuesday lunchtimes when he claims there is f*ck all on that footballer like.

The fact that 23 grown sportsmen are unable to programme a simple recording device comes as no surprise to some. A leading sports psychologist told World of Sports: “Footballers are not like you and me. The finer workings of a TV remote control are far beyond their capacity.” She added: “To be honest most of them are confused by anything with more buttons than a pair of jeans.”

However Hodgeson fears the situation will only get worse with four of England’s eight remaining World Cup qualifiers scheduled to clash with the Friday episode of BBC soap Eastenders.

He told World of Sports: “Theo Walcott has refused to play on Fridays since Sharon Watts came back to Albert Square, as he reckons it’s only a matter of time before she noshes Phil Mitchell off in the arches.” He added: “The lad really doesn’t want to miss that.”

Suarez and Evra Set for Premiership High Five

Following publication of official guidelines for appropriate inter-cultural greetings it is hoped that Sundays Premiership clash between Liverpool and Manchester United will see Patrick Evra and Louis Suarez High Five.

Evra Loves a High Five

A recent inquiry commissioned by the Football Association found that 60% of reported racial abuse incidents could be attributed to ‘cultural misunderstandings’, whilst surprisingly only 40% were down to John Terry.

In response to the findings the Football Association has developed 286 categories of ‘culturally appropriate greetings’ which are hoped will enable overseas players to greet each other as inoffensively as possible.

Trying to explain the new guidelines an unnamed Football Association gimpnut told World of Sports: “South American plus French African equals race appropriate high five.” He added: “That should kick racism out of football.”

South American shitstorm Suarez told World of Sports: I have no problem high fiving Patrick, but if he follows it with a ‘down low’ to make me look the prick I’m bringing his mom into it.”

The 4000 page ‘Whasup Mah Homies: 286 ways to greet the foreigner’ has been distributed to all Premiership clubs. If successful the FA also plans to publish online standards of conduct for players in the easy to use ‘Twitter for Remtards’.

Athletics Chiefs Launch Inquiry into Paralympics ‘Blind Javelin’ Casualties

As the London 2012 Paralympics draw to a close games organisers have ordered an urgent investigation into how three spectators were injured and a mascot killed in two separate incidents during Saturdays F11 Javelin competition for athletes with severe visual impairments.

'Manhandle' and 'Headlock' shortly before the tragic accident

Athletics chiefs will have to answer questions about what the frig they were thinking after including ‘blind javelin’ in the athletics programme for the first time since the 2000 Paralympics in Sydney. On that occasion British middle distance star turned commentator Steve Cram narrowly escaped serious injury when a wayward javelin luckily deflected off his distinctive pube afro.

Official Paralympics buffoon and London Mayor Boris Johnson joined the debate by claiming that the decision to include F11 Javelin in the games was ‘short sighted’ and ‘lacked any vision’. He added: “It definitely requires looking into.”

However both athletes involved in the incidents remain unrepentant. Gambo Jumbambo of Ireland told World of Sports: “Surely I was the only person in the stadium not watching where that javelin was going.” He continued: “I mean if I thought that blind people were throwing javelins about anywhere near me I’d keep an eye on where they were going, if I could that is.”

Whilst Cameroonian thrower Jim O’Mulley believed that the injured spectators had only got themselves to blame. He said: “Apparently I hang around a lot of athletics stadiums and I’ve never been hit by a javelin and I’m blind, although I did once fall in the steeplechase water jump.”

Essex Police Investigate ‘Wild Andy Carroll’ Sighting

Essex Police have warned local residents to stay in their homes and secure doors and windows after reports that an Andy Carroll was spotted roaming loose in a field at Leytonstone near West Ham.

Andy Carroll?

The wild striker, Latin name Goalus Missicus was seen near Wanstead Flats Park by taxi driver Bob Cockney at about 16.00 BST.

Mr Cockney told World of Sports: “I saw this big hairy creature frantically rummaging through some bins and an Andy Carroll was the first thing that came to my mind.”

Essex Police have drafted in a number of firearms officers as well as experts from the Football Association and London Zoo. They are looking for signs of the creature such as half eaten kebabs and empty lager cans.

A spokesman for London Zoo said: “Any wild Andy Carroll can be extremely dangerous and should not be approached.” He added: “If you disturb one of these creatures there is every chance he could either nut you or f*ck you, it all depends on how many Newcastle brown ales it’s had.”

Local police are exercising caution as they can’t rule out the possibility that Mr Cockney may have confused the Andy Carroll for the less dangerous Steven Seagal.

If you think you may have seen the wild Andy Carroll please don't bother sending your pictures to World of Sports as they put us off our lunch.

Joey Barton Changes Name and Turns French

Eyeball burning QPR outcast Joey Barton’s mental health has been called into question following the stunning announcement that he is no longer Joey Barton but actually French footballer Joe Le Barton.

Burger Muncher Punching Joey

Bookish Barton, who is believed to enjoy the works of Camus, Zola, Hugo and McNab, took to twitter to announce that he doesn’t know who this Joey Barton is and that he is in fact Joe Le Barton, a French citizen. Since the shock announcement the French f*cknut has apparently taken to riding round and round his north London châteaux on a push bike and answering all questions by shrugging his shoulders.

One friend told World of Sport: “Joey has been eating a lot of cheese lately.”

Many in the game will see this as just another desperate attempt by Big Mac loving Barton to get out of his current 12 match ban, although ‘Joey Le Barton’ is reported to have requested a transfer to Ligue 1 club Marseille in order to be closer to his family.

However some experts see this as further evidence that bin case Barton has a multiple personality disorder. One unnamed sports psychologists told World of Sports: “To my poorly trained eye it would appear that Joey Barton now has seven distinct personalities.” He continued: “There's the footballer, the philosopher, the wordsmith, the Frenchman, The teen beater, the pr*ck, and the tw*t. Oh, and the bell end. 8.”

Ferguson Hails Van Persie Signing as the ‘Perfect Owen Replacement’

Robin Van Persie has completed his £24m ambulance journey from Arsenal to Manchester United. A move hailed by Reds manager Alex Ferguson as the perfect replacement for Michael Owen.

Van Persie arriving at Old Trafford earlier today

The Dutch Darren Anderton has signed a four year deal and could make his debut sometime after Christmas dependent on him not stubbing his toe on the coffee table or banging his funny bone.

Santa’s favourite football manager Ferguson told World of Sports: “Michael’s departure last season left a gapping hole in the middle of the treatment room that not even Anderson could fill, but Robin is the ideal player to fill that void.”

The move also secures over 20 jobs at United’s state of the art Owen Hargreaves medical facility which has reportedly spent ‘thousands of pounds’ over the last three seasons on an orthopaedic chair, a stannah stair lift and one of those baths with a door on the side so you can just hobble in and out of it. An investment which many saw as risky, but that now looks like a shrewd bit of business.

Van Persie could be unveiled to the Old Trafford fans before the United’s first home Premier League game against Fulham as long as his mobility scooter arrives in time.