Essex Police Investigate ‘Wild Andy Carroll’ Sighting

Essex Police have warned local residents to stay in their homes and secure doors and windows after reports that an Andy Carroll was spotted roaming loose in a field at Leytonstone near West Ham.

Andy Carroll?

The wild striker, Latin name Goalus Missicus was seen near Wanstead Flats Park by taxi driver Bob Cockney at about 16.00 BST.

Mr Cockney told World of Sports: “I saw this big hairy creature frantically rummaging through some bins and an Andy Carroll was the first thing that came to my mind.”

Essex Police have drafted in a number of firearms officers as well as experts from the Football Association and London Zoo. They are looking for signs of the creature such as half eaten kebabs and empty lager cans.

A spokesman for London Zoo said: “Any wild Andy Carroll can be extremely dangerous and should not be approached.” He added: “If you disturb one of these creatures there is every chance he could either nut you or f*ck you, it all depends on how many Newcastle brown ales it’s had.”

Local police are exercising caution as they can’t rule out the possibility that Mr Cockney may have confused the Andy Carroll for the less dangerous Steven Seagal.

If you think you may have seen the wild Andy Carroll please don't bother sending your pictures to World of Sports as they put us off our lunch.