Crying into his overly fizzy pond water of a pint
Nearly 300 members of the Australian Olympic delegation were
reported to have absconded shortly after the opening ceremony. They included
a large number of cyclist, most of the track and field squad and the entire
swimming team.
But a Metropolitan Police official today confirmed that nearly all of the
missing athletes have now been apprehended. He said: "Most of the missing Australian athletes have been successfully detained, the majority within walking distance of the Olympic village,
with many suffering from a nasty stitch." He added: “It was surprisingly
easy to catch them as they seemed sluggish and in a very poor state of health.”
Bruce Ramsey, head of the Australian delegation told
world of sports: “All of our competitors turned up to the opening ceremony as
they really wanted to see Dizzy Rascal, but when the events started they’d all
gone missing!”
It is believed that many of the athletes were inspired to
abscond by fellow Australian Rolf Harris who has inexplicably maintained a
successful career in Britain for over 40 years.
One wheezing Australian athlete told World of Sports that
he was planning to seek asylum in Britain. He said: “I was just seeking a
better life for me and my family.” He added: “Living in Australia is unbearable.
There are spiders that can kill you, if you go swimming the sharks eat you, the
television is rubbish, all our food is burnt to a crisp and the beer is too
fizzy. It’s a living hell”
Meanwhile a search and rescue operation for four missing Australian
rowers has been scaled down. The alarm was raised when they failed to return
after starting a first round heat over a week ago.
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