6 Out of 10 Olympic Spectators on Banned Drugs, Claims Ex Balco Chief

London 2012 organisers have been rocked by claims that sixty percent of spectators attending Olympic events are using performance enhancing drugs.

Looney Tooney Victor Conte

The outrageous claims were made by Victor Conte, the man famed for supplying slow motion sprinter Dwayne Chambers with the mind bending cocktail of drugs that made him want to play American Football.

Conte, who is believed to have supplied ‘nutritional products’ to shamed US sprinter Marion Jones and fictional Russian boxer Ivan Drago told World of Sports: “Doping is rife amongst the spectators. I’ve been inundated with requests from families wanting to get off their t*ts before entering Olympic venues.” He added: “I thought I’d bought enough sh*t to last the whole two weeks but I’d sold out by the fourth day. All I have left is a bit of personal.”

Victor ‘the man from Del Monte’ Conte backed up his claims by rambling: “Dude, you heard the frenzy in the velodrome. And I mean, Chris Hoy is exciting, but he’s not that exciting.” He continued: “And have you seen the queues for the toilet cubicles? You can’t tell me that all those people need a dump.”

“I’d say that it’s easily forty, no fifty, no sixty percent of the fans that are juiced” Said Conte, before running off at the sight of an Olympic park security official.

Crowds at Olympic venues have been noticeably over exuberant ever since seeing Kenneth Branagh dicking about in a stove pipe hat during the opening ceremony, but experts have put that down to spectators drinking too much fizzy pop.