Essex Police Investigate ‘Wild Andy Carroll’ Sighting

Essex Police have warned local residents to stay in their homes and secure doors and windows after reports that an Andy Carroll was spotted roaming loose in a field at Leytonstone near West Ham.

Andy Carroll?

The wild striker, Latin name Goalus Missicus was seen near Wanstead Flats Park by taxi driver Bob Cockney at about 16.00 BST.

Mr Cockney told World of Sports: “I saw this big hairy creature frantically rummaging through some bins and an Andy Carroll was the first thing that came to my mind.”

Essex Police have drafted in a number of firearms officers as well as experts from the Football Association and London Zoo. They are looking for signs of the creature such as half eaten kebabs and empty lager cans.

A spokesman for London Zoo said: “Any wild Andy Carroll can be extremely dangerous and should not be approached.” He added: “If you disturb one of these creatures there is every chance he could either nut you or f*ck you, it all depends on how many Newcastle brown ales it’s had.”

Local police are exercising caution as they can’t rule out the possibility that Mr Cockney may have confused the Andy Carroll for the less dangerous Steven Seagal.

If you think you may have seen the wild Andy Carroll please don't bother sending your pictures to World of Sports as they put us off our lunch.

Joey Barton Changes Name and Turns French

Eyeball burning QPR outcast Joey Barton’s mental health has been called into question following the stunning announcement that he is no longer Joey Barton but actually French footballer Joe Le Barton.

Burger Muncher Punching Joey

Bookish Barton, who is believed to enjoy the works of Camus, Zola, Hugo and McNab, took to twitter to announce that he doesn’t know who this Joey Barton is and that he is in fact Joe Le Barton, a French citizen. Since the shock announcement the French f*cknut has apparently taken to riding round and round his north London châteaux on a push bike and answering all questions by shrugging his shoulders.

One friend told World of Sport: “Joey has been eating a lot of cheese lately.”

Many in the game will see this as just another desperate attempt by Big Mac loving Barton to get out of his current 12 match ban, although ‘Joey Le Barton’ is reported to have requested a transfer to Ligue 1 club Marseille in order to be closer to his family.

However some experts see this as further evidence that bin case Barton has a multiple personality disorder. One unnamed sports psychologists told World of Sports: “To my poorly trained eye it would appear that Joey Barton now has seven distinct personalities.” He continued: “There's the footballer, the philosopher, the wordsmith, the Frenchman, The teen beater, the pr*ck, and the tw*t. Oh, and the bell end. 8.”

Ferguson Hails Van Persie Signing as the ‘Perfect Owen Replacement’

Robin Van Persie has completed his £24m ambulance journey from Arsenal to Manchester United. A move hailed by Reds manager Alex Ferguson as the perfect replacement for Michael Owen.

Van Persie arriving at Old Trafford earlier today

The Dutch Darren Anderton has signed a four year deal and could make his debut sometime after Christmas dependent on him not stubbing his toe on the coffee table or banging his funny bone.

Santa’s favourite football manager Ferguson told World of Sports: “Michael’s departure last season left a gapping hole in the middle of the treatment room that not even Anderson could fill, but Robin is the ideal player to fill that void.”

The move also secures over 20 jobs at United’s state of the art Owen Hargreaves medical facility which has reportedly spent ‘thousands of pounds’ over the last three seasons on an orthopaedic chair, a stannah stair lift and one of those baths with a door on the side so you can just hobble in and out of it. An investment which many saw as risky, but that now looks like a shrewd bit of business.

Van Persie could be unveiled to the Old Trafford fans before the United’s first home Premier League game against Fulham as long as his mobility scooter arrives in time.

Roy Hodgeson Rules Himself Out of Own England Squad

England’s Football Team has been hit by yet another withdrawal ahead of tonight’s friendly against Italy at Wembley following news that Manager Roy Hodgeson will not be able to make it.

Roy is believed to love a bit of pie

It is believed that Hodgeson contacted someone at the FA this morning and asked them if they could pass the message on to FA chairman David Berstein that he wouldn’t be available tonight as something had come up.

A spokesman for the FA told World of Sports that the news wasn’t totally unexpected as Roy’s wife Sheila makes a lovely Shepard’s Pie on Wednesday nights. He added: “I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t go out on a wet Wednesday night when there’s hot mince and potatoes at home.” However this was later denied by some other faceless Forest Gump working at FA Headquarters.

This is the fifth withdrawal from England’s squad to face Italy tonight. Those already ruling themselves out include Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who claims to have left his favourite jeans in the washing machine leaving too little time for them to dry, Daniel Sturridge who wants to stay in to watch the start of celebrity big brother and Joe Hart who apparently can’t find his shin pads.

Earlier today Theo Walcott also pulled out of tonight’s game because he can’t quite get his hair right.

However the FA did confirm that it had received a large number of calls, texts and emails from Michael Owen letting them know that he is still available for selection should they get desperate.

World of Sports 2012 Olympic Awards

As the London Olympics draw to a spectacular close World of Sports panel of so called experts award the top three Team GB performances that made the 2012 games better than Prozac.

Double Bullet Ben Ainslie

Bronze

Sneaking onto the podium to claim our Bronze medal is the footballing Frankenstein that was ‘Team GB’. If nothing else the teams frankly lack lustre campaign provided an answer to the eternal question of what would an England team have been like with Ryan Giggs on the left wing. Consensus amongst pundits seems to be a resounding “just as sh*t.”

It appears that the inclusion of amorous Welshman Giggs in an England team would have only compounded their ability to disappear from tournaments long before playing anyone remotely decent.

Silver

The second step on the podium belongs to human tree trunk Sir Chris Hoy. Adding two more gold medals to his collection saw ‘charismatic’ Chris dethrone Sir Steve Redgrave as Britain’s most boring Olympian. Following his historic sixth Olympic victory television audiences were treated to an exchange of word between Hoy and the seemingly omnipresent Redgrave that proved so tedious it punched a hole through time.

Scores of viewer reportedly awoke a full half an hour later only to realise that they had missed Team GB golden girl Victoria Pendleton getting rinsed by Australian Anna Mears.

Gold

Taking top spot on the podium is Team GB flag ship Ben Ainslie. Despite making a shaky start to his quest for a fourth Olympic title, ‘Big B*stard’ Ben’s Danish and Dutch opponents felt it necessary to rub him up the wrong way by claiming he had cut a corner during the sixth race out of ten.

Showing admirable ‘Bulldog’ spirit Team GB’s top boy Ainslie responded by fanning over to his continental counterparts shouting “you f*cking want some?” before throwing an ashtray, his pint and some white plastic patio furniture in their general direction. It makes you proud to be British.

London 2012 Cycling: The Goodies Blame ‘Ageism’ for Missed Golden Opportunity

Disgruntled comedy cycling trio Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor have labelled Team GB coaching staff as ‘ageist’ after being denied an opportunity to compete for gold at their home Olympics.

Three-time Olympic silver medallists Brooke-Taylor, Garden and Oddie

The anarchic trio believe that despite being in the comedy cycling wilderness for nearly thirty years they deserved one last shot at Olympic glory. But they claim that Team GB chiefs overlooked them in favour of younger comedy cyclists like Bradley ‘Wiggo’ Wiggins.

Oddie, Garden and Brooke-Taylor became known as ‘The Goodies’ after a run of form saw them reach three consecutive Olympic finals between 1976 and 1984, as well as scoring pop chart success with ‘the funky gibbon’. But since then they have been absent from the comedy cycling circuit as their brand of family friendly bike based silliness fell out of favour.

Despite recently writing more contemporary material and posting some very competitive times during training the pedal pushing pensioners failed to make Team GB’s Elite Comedy Cycling Squad.

In response to his omission from the Olympic team bitter bird botherer Oddie told World of Sports: “It seems that Team GB prefer knob gags and foul mouthed toilet humour.” He added: “That may well be Sir Chris Hoy’s style, but it’s certainly not mine.” 

6 Out of 10 Olympic Spectators on Banned Drugs, Claims Ex Balco Chief

London 2012 organisers have been rocked by claims that sixty percent of spectators attending Olympic events are using performance enhancing drugs.

Looney Tooney Victor Conte

The outrageous claims were made by Victor Conte, the man famed for supplying slow motion sprinter Dwayne Chambers with the mind bending cocktail of drugs that made him want to play American Football.

Conte, who is believed to have supplied ‘nutritional products’ to shamed US sprinter Marion Jones and fictional Russian boxer Ivan Drago told World of Sports: “Doping is rife amongst the spectators. I’ve been inundated with requests from families wanting to get off their t*ts before entering Olympic venues.” He added: “I thought I’d bought enough sh*t to last the whole two weeks but I’d sold out by the fourth day. All I have left is a bit of personal.”

Victor ‘the man from Del Monte’ Conte backed up his claims by rambling: “Dude, you heard the frenzy in the velodrome. And I mean, Chris Hoy is exciting, but he’s not that exciting.” He continued: “And have you seen the queues for the toilet cubicles? You can’t tell me that all those people need a dump.”

“I’d say that it’s easily forty, no fifty, no sixty percent of the fans that are juiced” Said Conte, before running off at the sight of an Olympic park security official.

Crowds at Olympic venues have been noticeably over exuberant ever since seeing Kenneth Branagh dicking about in a stove pipe hat during the opening ceremony, but experts have put that down to spectators drinking too much fizzy pop.

London 2012: Missing Australian Athletes Apprehended

Home office officials have confirmed that nearly all of the Australian Athletes reported missing from the 2012 Olympics have now been apprehended.

Crying into his overly fizzy pond water of a pint

Nearly 300 members of the Australian Olympic delegation were reported to have absconded shortly after the opening ceremony. They included a large number of cyclist, most of the track and field squad and the entire swimming team.

But a Metropolitan Police official today confirmed that nearly all of the missing athletes have now been apprehended. He said: "Most of the missing Australian athletes have been successfully detained, the majority within walking distance of the Olympic village, with many suffering from a nasty stitch." He added: “It was surprisingly easy to catch them as they seemed sluggish and in a very poor state of health.”

Bruce Ramsey, head of the Australian delegation told world of sports: “All of our competitors turned up to the opening ceremony as they really wanted to see Dizzy Rascal, but when the events started they’d all gone missing!”

It is believed that many of the athletes were inspired to abscond by fellow Australian Rolf Harris who has inexplicably maintained a successful career in Britain for over 40 years.

One wheezing Australian athlete told World of Sports that he was planning to seek asylum in Britain. He said: “I was just seeking a better life for me and my family.” He added: “Living in Australia is unbearable. There are spiders that can kill you, if you go swimming the sharks eat you, the television is rubbish, all our food is burnt to a crisp and the beer is too fizzy. It’s a living hell”

Meanwhile a search and rescue operation for four missing Australian rowers has been scaled down. The alarm was raised when they failed to return after starting a first round heat over a week ago.

Lewis Hamilton Apparently Triumphs in Hungarian Grand Prix

Lewis Hamilton took his second victory of the 2012 Formula One season at the tight and twisty Hungaroring circuit nearly two weeks ago it has emerged. Unfortunately nobody noticed.

The crowds go wild following Hamilton's victory

Hamilton pulled cautiously away from the lights and proceeded to drive around for what seemed like a lot of laps going just slightly faster than everybody else. During the McLaren ace’s 63 lap lights to flag procession the 2008 World Champion was rumoured to have managed two or maybe three quick laps on the softer compound Pirelli tyres. This ensured that Hamilton moved to fourth in the championship after collecting 25 points for this most forgettable of wins.

A source close to Hamilton told World of Sports that: “We realised that nobody had seen Lewis for a couple of hours but when he returned he had apparently won a Grand Prix. To be honest we had noticed.”

Behind Hamilton, some other stuff was said to have happened including Lotus chatterbox Kimi Raikonen passing Sebastian Vettel and  Roman Grosjean whilst they were both stationary with no wheels on.

There was however some genuine excitement further down the field when 7 times world champion and midlife crisis on wheels Michael Schumacher stalled his Mercedes on the start line after becoming distracted by his mini rubix cube key ring. When the 80’s obsessed German did finally get going he could clearly be heard humming the theme to TV show ‘Knight Rider’ loudly over his race radio, until Team Boss Ross Braun told him to get out of the car.

MurrayBot 3.0 to Face iFederer2000 in Olympic Final

Britain’s MurrayBot 3.0 tennis droid will meet Switzerland’s aging iFederer2000 in the Olympic men’s singles final on Sunday after a straight-sets semi final victory over human opponent Novak Djokovic.

Sinister Scottish Cyborg MurrayBot 3.0

Team GB boffins were left jumping for joy as MurrayBot 3.0 took a 7-5 7-5 win to set up an all robotic rematch with 2012 Wimbledon winner iFederer2000. It was a near flawless display from Britain’s bionic bat and ball gold medal hope despite inexplicably crushing a ball boys hand during the first set.

Djokovic made a strong start but was unable to compete with the superior fire power of the morose machine’s laser canon and 400kph serve.

Following extraordinary advancements in the humourless humanoid’s central processor, software engineers now believe that the MurrayBot 3.0 could even develop a personality if given enough time.

The controversial project has been plagued by numerous technical issues from the beginning. Recent versions have suffered repeated fourth set battery failures, whilst the first prototype MurrayBot, affectionately known as Jaime, proved only good enough for use in the doubles.

London 2012: Japan’s Goalkeeper Visible from Outer Space

NASA today confirmed that Japanese goalkeeper Schuichi Gonda was indeed visible from outer space during Monday’s group A clash with Morocco at St James’s Park.

jesus christ my eyes!

Images taken from the International Space Station clearly show a massive fluorescent glow emanating from Gonda’s ridiculous kit.

The news came as no surprise to the St. James’s Park crowd, many of whom required treatment for sunburn, heat-exhaustion, and various visual impairments following prolonged exposure to the bonkers shot stopper.

Four Moroccan players are said to be recovering well after being airlifted to a specialist burns unit in Edinburgh.

TV pundit Mark Lawrenson described the colour of gordy Gonda’s explosive kit as being: “somewhere between anti-freeze and a tramp’s p*ss.”

Strangely, this is not the first time astronauts’ have witnessed unusual football related phenomena. In 1998 crew onboard the space shuttle Discovery were left stunned when most of northern France was obscured by a 500 mile wide shadow believed to have been cast by David Ginola’s ego.

London 2012: BMX Queen Reade Confident She Can Deliver

Team GB's BMX bandit Shanaze Reade has admitted to feeling confident about her chances of gold as Olympic paper-boy racing gets underway this weekend.

Reade

Chunky thighed pedal pusher Reade, a three time World Champion at the popular 80’s cycling craze BMX hopes to make up for her 2008 Beijing disappointment by “Burning off” from her medal rivals.

Nut crushing powerhouse Shanaze told World of Sports: “Training for the Olympics has been tough. Some of my main competitors get to train on much bigger paper rounds than mine and with heavier bags. But I’ve also been delivering take-away menus in the evenings and it’s really made a big difference. If I can stay on I could win.”

Favourite for gold on Sunday is current world number one Magalie Pottier. The French wheelie popper is rumoured to have one of the largest paper rounds in Europe.

London 2012: Cavendish Delighted With Top 30 Finish

Team GB cyclist Mark Cavendish revealed he is ‘overjoyed’ having had time to reflect upon a spectacular performance in last Sunday’s road race.

The Laughing CAValier 

The mild mannered Manxman secured 29^th place, finishing within almost a mile of eventual race winner Kazak, Alexander Vinokourov.

An ecstatic Cavendish told World of Sports: “I was just happy to be in the same race as some of the world’s best cyclists, but the crowd gave me that extra ten percent I needed to nearly keep up with them. I’m over the moon, honest”

When asked about the huge crowds lining the 150 mile route, Britain’s second most popular cyclist said: “It was fantastic to see so many people out on the course. Although going round and round the track in Beijing meant I could at least wave to my family every 20 seconds which was also quite nice.”

The bandy legged sprint king went on to described as “Nonsense” rumours that following Sunday’s road race he had thrown his bike into the river.