David Beckham in talks over ‘dream move’ to Wolverhampton Wanderers

Popular underpants model David Beckham is meeting with Wolverhampton Wanderers officials to discuss what is believed to be a dream move for both the former England captain and his tone deaf twiglet wife Victoria.

Wonderful Wolverhampton

Beckham who has played for some of the world’s greatest clubs as well as Manchester United is said to be thrilled to have attracted attention from the West Midlands ninth best football team, having announced his desire to leave Los Angeles for somewhere ‘more glamorous’.

The possible arrival in the city of the beckhams has been greeted with great excitement. One local newspaper hailed it as “the best thing to happen to Wolverhampton since Mick McCarthy fucked off”, although nobody in Wolverhampton can actually read.

An unnamed club official told World of Sports: “Both David and Victoria will naturally be drawn to the city due to its close proximity to the Merry Hill Shopping Centre which has a pretty big TK Maxx as well as a new Primark, and there’s free parking. He added: “and if that’s not enough then Walsall is just down the road”.

However, one possible stumbling block to the move is the language barrier which would see the ex-England captain having to learn the notoriously confusing ‘Yam Yam’ dialect.

Although local Counsellor Ted Clagnut was quick to dispel any fears the Beckhams may have towards relocating to the city. He told World of Sports: “Life in Wolverhampton is not so different to Los Angeles with gun crime going through the roof and the city being home to some of Britain’s fattest bastards”.

Jimmy Savile stripped of marathon result following elite athlete abuse allegations

Cigar smoking sex monster Jimmy Savile has been removed from the official result of the 1985 London marathon following accusations that the fundraising kiddy fiddler attempted to molest a number of elite athletes during the race.

How's about you suck on this!

Several of the worlds best marathon runners have made allegations that the sexually deviant scarecrow attempted to ‘interfere’ with them. One athlete even went as far as attributing his high placed finish to being chased by the creepy children’s television presenter for the first three miles of the race.

Another elite athlete explained to World of Sports how he thought he was being wrapped in a foil blanket at the end of the race only to discover he was actually being molested by shell suit clad sex beast Savile who had his repulsive northern nut sack hanging out.

Pervertologists overwhelmingly believe that the sight of all those slightly built runners in their fluorescent pumps and short shorts proved too much of a temptation for the pube averse pervert.

However, Savile’s disqualification is good news for the huge number of fun runners who have seen their race results amended.

Tony Hills, an office supplies manager who finished the 1985 race just outside the top four thousand told World of Sports: “I was contacted out of the blue by the marathon organisers who informed me that I had been promoted by one place following the disqualification of that dirty bastard Jimmy Savile. I was over the moon".

He added: “I know all this paedophile business is awful, but every cloud has a silver lining.”

Chelsea players angered by referee’s use of ‘quite long words’

The Football Association is to investigate allegations made by Chelsea that controversial referee Mark Clattenburg left a number of players angry and confused by using ‘inappropriately language’ that is believed to have included several quite long words.

Visibly upset after being called a 'bum loaf'

Chelsea have made a formal complaint, accusing parks-pitch playboy Mark Clattenburg of using “language beyond the grasp of the average footballer” during Manchester United’s 3-2 win at Stamford Bridge.

It is claimed that Clattenburg wilfully banded about a flourish of five and six letter words that disorientated the Chelsea players, World of Sports has learned.

With the help of a grown up one Chelsea player was able to explain how he had been left baffled after Clattenburg called him a ‘turgid cock-stain’.

 “He used loads of words I don’t understand. At one point I was clearly fouled and he just called me a swindling turd-basket. I don’t even know what a turd-basket is”.

Whilst the Football Association said it would investigate the very serious allegations, one leading sports psychologist told World of Sports: “You have to be careful how you communicate with footballers. If you use words of three syllables or more they will accuse you of disrespecting them. Either that or they’ll throw themselves to the ground like screaming coco-pop deprived toddlers”.

“As I have said many time before footballers are not like me and you, unless you happen to be a lottery winning fuckwit that is”.

Lance Armstrong overjoyed to be declared ‘worlds greatest cheat’

Ultra competitive US cycling star Lance Armstrong said he is ‘overjoyed’ after the US Anti-Doping Agency declared him to be “the greatest drug cheat in sporting history”, a title that had been held by fraudulent Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson for over twenty-four years.

Armstrong's team bus 'the vitamin van'

Although he did not refer to the doping scandal directly during his first speech since the USADA named him as the mastermind of a major doping ring, the disgraced Texan did talk at great length about how brilliant he is and how he’s had to overcome serious illness.

Armstrong was speaking at a star studded event to mark the 15^th anniversary of his charity, Livestrong. Although Hollywood A-listers Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan both pulled out of the event claiming they no longer wish to be association with the disgraced cyclist.

The US Anti-Doping Agency published a 1,000-page report last week saying he was a “lying, manipulative, arrogant, serial cheat”.

Armstrong’s lawyer has described the report as “pretty accurate”.

At Fridays fundraiser Armstrong told supporters: “Always strive to be the best you can be in whatever you do, whether it’s your school work, your job, or using £20m dollars of government money to orchestrate the most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme ever seen in sport”.

“This title means more to me than any of my seven Tour de France victories. It proves you can achieve anything in life if you’re willing to take enough steroids to give you cancer”.

Tyson Fury bookmakers favourite to win Sports Personality of the Year 2012

Bookmaker Paddy Gamble claim grubby sex pests and skiving builders all across Britain have been giving an ‘astonishing’ amount of backing to heavyweight Tyson Fury in the race for BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year after the WBC Intercontinental champion revealed himself to be a fellow bigoted homophobe. 

Preparations are well under way for Fury's next fight

Fury, whose two fights this year have been shit began to attract backing from degenerate gamblers and urine scented outcasts alike after aiming an incomprehensible tirade of offensive narrow minded tweets at fellow heavyweight David Price which seems to have appealed to the bookmakers core customers.

A spokesperson for Paddy Gamble said: “We were sure the punters favourite would be someone nice like Jess Ennis or that posh sprinter with the leg, but we’d forgotten how popular illiterate homophobic chavs are with the sort of people who hang around the bookies all day.”

“I suppose if they can vote for that cheating turd Ryan Giggs, then a cock-fearing moron like Tyson Fury should be right up their street.”

The former British title relinquisher attracted heavy backing after expressing his disgust towards homosexuals, Liverpudlians, and outdoor toilets. But support fell dramatically when it was reported in the Racing Post that Fury is a Gypsy.

One livid punter told World of Sports: “I put fifty quid on Fury, then I find out he’s a friggin gypo! I’ll never see that again, like the pikeys who never finished my driveway.”

Fury’s next defence of his Irish and Intercontinental titles is scheduled to be televised on a Jeremy Kyle Show special, broadcast live from Weston-Super-Mare.

John Terry decides not to appeal against ‘massive twat’ penalty

John Terry has decided to not appeal against a four game ban imposed by the Football Association after having found the Chelsea Captain guilty of being ‘a massive twat’.

Crack-shot and Toolbox

Terry, who is also know for parking his £100,000 Bentley in spaces reserved for the disabled as well as having sex with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend said: “I want to apologise to my team mates and all the Chelsea fans for only being a massive first class twat.”

“I know they expect worse from me and I vow to work harder in the future to become the kind of repugnant shit bag they seem to like at this club.”

An independent Football Association panel found serial dickhead Terry guilty of being a massive twat during a game at Loftus Road on 23 October 2011.

In a statement, the club added: “We fully support John’s decision to admit being a massive twat. The club firmly believes that his recent behaviour has fallen below the standard of morally deprived arseholary expected of John as a Chelsea player, although we recognise that becoming an implausible racist is a move in the right direction.”

However The British Society of Twats reacted angrily to the decision calling it an ‘insult’ to genuine twats.

With Terry due to miss Chelsea’s next four domestic matches the captains armband is expected to be handed to air rifle loving greedy shit Ashley Cole.

Audley Harrison: “I still have one last defeat left in me”

Despite being knocked out by David Price in the first round of their heavyweight contest on Saturday Audley Harrison is refusing to call time on his boxing career claiming he still has one last heavy defeat in him.

Harrison in full flow

 

The 2011 Strictly Come Dancing lummox’s challenge for Price’s British and Commonwealth titles lasted only 82 seconds, but the former Olympic champion believes he still has all the tools required to get knocked to the canvas like a tonne of bricks inside a wardrobe by either of the Klitschko brothers.

Feather fisted non-fighter Harrison told World of Sports: “Now I’ve perfected my no-punch technique I know I have enough quality to get sparked anyplace and anytime, but what better way to finish my career in boxing than being given a proper skull knackering by a World Champion.”

Harrison whose career peaked somewhere between beating a cruiserweight doorman in 2002 and losing to a part-time taxi driver in 2008 is being urged by some in his own camp to hang up his gloves after a string of world class anesthetizing’s, but the semi-conscious canvas comforter claims to still have the hunger for one more of those trademark ‘lights out’ moments.

If Harrison does decide to continue fighting 2013 could prove to be a busy year as he also plans to publish his highly anticipated autobiography Fifty Shades of Shit.

FA Unveils State of the Art Centre of Mediocrity

Football Association chairman David Bernstein has described the opening of its new £105m centre of mediocrity as an ‘historic day’ that is hoped will see England remain firmly on the periphery of international success for years to come.

Says it all

The 303-acre site officially opened by a fully clothed Duchess of Cambridge is the result of substantial financial investment by the FA aimed at maintaining the gulf in performance between England and traditionally more successful countries such as Spain and Greece.

“This state of the art facility should produce generation upon generation of England player easily capable of an encouraging 1-1 draw with Nigeria,” Bernstein told World of Sports.

“But you don’t just concede four goals to Germany by accident. That sort of inept underperformance takes long term planning and poor execution, so if club England want to remain the eighth, ninth, or even tenth best team on the world stage we had to invest now.”

Catering for the modern footballers every need facilities at St George’s Park include 1 floodlit pitch, 4 golf courses, stables for 20 horses, tanning salon, several nightclubs, a custody suit, magistrates court, rifle range, knocking shop, and free Wi-Fi access.

Former England manager and 2012 Paralympics ambassador Glenn Hoddle told World of Sports: “I think it’s a great idea to get all the England players together in a rural location where they can go about their business uninterrupted, a bit like the gypsies.”

Ricky Hatton Announces Shock Competitive Eating Retirement

Big boned boxing balloon Ricky Hatton has shocked fat fans around the world by announcing that he is to retire from competitive eating after three highly successful seasons in order to return to a career in professional boxing.

Hatton spoiling for a bun fight

Officials at the British Competitive Eating Association (BCEA) have been left dismayed by the pie loving pugilists’ decision as it comes just days ahead of the London 2012 Obese Olympics where it was hoped heavyweight Hatton could bring home a gold medal in the All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet category.

But some in the sport believe Hatton is making a mistake by getting back into the ring. Barry McGuigan told World of Sports: “Ricky could be biting off more than he can chew; I just hope he doesn’t end up with egg on his face.”

When asked for his thoughts on Hatton’s proposed comeback a surprised Chris Eubank said: “The fat c*nts doing what?”

Despite previously holding world titles at two weights Hatton’s boxing career has been about as active as his thyroid gland in recent years, but this isn’t a decision that ‘The Hitman’ has taken lightly.

Hatton told World of Sports: “Most people are expecting me to get battered like chip shop cod, hmmm chip shop cod.” He added: “This fighter is a tough cookie, hmmm cookies. This fight isn’t going to be a picnic, hmmm picnic,” before he had to leave abruptly to take what he referred to as a “massive sh*t.”

Mercedes Still Waiting for ‘Right Time’ to Explain Retirement to Confused Schumacher

Mercedes team boss Ross Brawn has said he faces a “difficult decision” over when to tell Formula one fossil Michael Schumacher that it’s probably best that he goes to live in a formula one retirement home.

A Spot of Bother Parking at ASDA

Having signed Lewis Hamilton for next season Brawn has been left with the tough task of breaking the bad news to Schumacher, 70, who is said to have become increasingly confused in recent years.

“Michael doesn’t seem to be able to remember even simply instructions such as ‘don’t crash’ anymore, so trying to explain that its time he went to live in a home is going to be a right pain in the ar*e,” Brawn told World of Sports.

But some senior Mercedes figures believe time has run out as Schumacher has apparently noticed a “dark chap” at work this week. Staff at the Brackley based team have been forced to explain to the geriatric German that you can’t say that sort of thing anymore.

Team boss Ross Braun also confirmed that working with Schumacher had become at times ‘bizarre’ and ‘frustrating’. He told World of Sports: “Michael had began to believe he was Michael Knight from cult television show Knight Rider”

Marble misplacing Schumacher was reportedly demanding that Brawn mimic the cars pompous English accent during radio transmissions, something many in the F1 paddock believe would be quite easy for the Mercedes boss.

England Manager calls for Television Scheduling Rethink

England boss Roy Hodgeson wants television companies to stop showing his players favourite programmes whilst they are on international duty as none of them know how to set Sky plus to record.

Hodgeson hates missing The Big Bang Theory

There have been reports of trouble within the England camp with some members of the squad refusing to play if it means missing shows such as ‘Banged Up Abroad’ or ‘The Hotel Inspector’.

One solution being put forward by the England manager is that International matches are played on Tuesday lunchtimes when he claims there is f*ck all on that footballer like.

The fact that 23 grown sportsmen are unable to programme a simple recording device comes as no surprise to some. A leading sports psychologist told World of Sports: “Footballers are not like you and me. The finer workings of a TV remote control are far beyond their capacity.” She added: “To be honest most of them are confused by anything with more buttons than a pair of jeans.”

However Hodgeson fears the situation will only get worse with four of England’s eight remaining World Cup qualifiers scheduled to clash with the Friday episode of BBC soap Eastenders.

He told World of Sports: “Theo Walcott has refused to play on Fridays since Sharon Watts came back to Albert Square, as he reckons it’s only a matter of time before she noshes Phil Mitchell off in the arches.” He added: “The lad really doesn’t want to miss that.”

Suarez and Evra Set for Premiership High Five

Following publication of official guidelines for appropriate inter-cultural greetings it is hoped that Sundays Premiership clash between Liverpool and Manchester United will see Patrick Evra and Louis Suarez High Five.

Evra Loves a High Five

A recent inquiry commissioned by the Football Association found that 60% of reported racial abuse incidents could be attributed to ‘cultural misunderstandings’, whilst surprisingly only 40% were down to John Terry.

In response to the findings the Football Association has developed 286 categories of ‘culturally appropriate greetings’ which are hoped will enable overseas players to greet each other as inoffensively as possible.

Trying to explain the new guidelines an unnamed Football Association gimpnut told World of Sports: “South American plus French African equals race appropriate high five.” He added: “That should kick racism out of football.”

South American shitstorm Suarez told World of Sports: I have no problem high fiving Patrick, but if he follows it with a ‘down low’ to make me look the prick I’m bringing his mom into it.”

The 4000 page ‘Whasup Mah Homies: 286 ways to greet the foreigner’ has been distributed to all Premiership clubs. If successful the FA also plans to publish online standards of conduct for players in the easy to use ‘Twitter for Remtards’.

Athletics Chiefs Launch Inquiry into Paralympics ‘Blind Javelin’ Casualties

As the London 2012 Paralympics draw to a close games organisers have ordered an urgent investigation into how three spectators were injured and a mascot killed in two separate incidents during Saturdays F11 Javelin competition for athletes with severe visual impairments.

'Manhandle' and 'Headlock' shortly before the tragic accident

Athletics chiefs will have to answer questions about what the frig they were thinking after including ‘blind javelin’ in the athletics programme for the first time since the 2000 Paralympics in Sydney. On that occasion British middle distance star turned commentator Steve Cram narrowly escaped serious injury when a wayward javelin luckily deflected off his distinctive pube afro.

Official Paralympics buffoon and London Mayor Boris Johnson joined the debate by claiming that the decision to include F11 Javelin in the games was ‘short sighted’ and ‘lacked any vision’. He added: “It definitely requires looking into.”

However both athletes involved in the incidents remain unrepentant. Gambo Jumbambo of Ireland told World of Sports: “Surely I was the only person in the stadium not watching where that javelin was going.” He continued: “I mean if I thought that blind people were throwing javelins about anywhere near me I’d keep an eye on where they were going, if I could that is.”

Whilst Cameroonian thrower Jim O’Mulley believed that the injured spectators had only got themselves to blame. He said: “Apparently I hang around a lot of athletics stadiums and I’ve never been hit by a javelin and I’m blind, although I did once fall in the steeplechase water jump.”

Essex Police Investigate ‘Wild Andy Carroll’ Sighting

Essex Police have warned local residents to stay in their homes and secure doors and windows after reports that an Andy Carroll was spotted roaming loose in a field at Leytonstone near West Ham.

Andy Carroll?

The wild striker, Latin name Goalus Missicus was seen near Wanstead Flats Park by taxi driver Bob Cockney at about 16.00 BST.

Mr Cockney told World of Sports: “I saw this big hairy creature frantically rummaging through some bins and an Andy Carroll was the first thing that came to my mind.”

Essex Police have drafted in a number of firearms officers as well as experts from the Football Association and London Zoo. They are looking for signs of the creature such as half eaten kebabs and empty lager cans.

A spokesman for London Zoo said: “Any wild Andy Carroll can be extremely dangerous and should not be approached.” He added: “If you disturb one of these creatures there is every chance he could either nut you or f*ck you, it all depends on how many Newcastle brown ales it’s had.”

Local police are exercising caution as they can’t rule out the possibility that Mr Cockney may have confused the Andy Carroll for the less dangerous Steven Seagal.

If you think you may have seen the wild Andy Carroll please don't bother sending your pictures to World of Sports as they put us off our lunch.

Joey Barton Changes Name and Turns French

Eyeball burning QPR outcast Joey Barton’s mental health has been called into question following the stunning announcement that he is no longer Joey Barton but actually French footballer Joe Le Barton.

Burger Muncher Punching Joey

Bookish Barton, who is believed to enjoy the works of Camus, Zola, Hugo and McNab, took to twitter to announce that he doesn’t know who this Joey Barton is and that he is in fact Joe Le Barton, a French citizen. Since the shock announcement the French f*cknut has apparently taken to riding round and round his north London châteaux on a push bike and answering all questions by shrugging his shoulders.

One friend told World of Sport: “Joey has been eating a lot of cheese lately.”

Many in the game will see this as just another desperate attempt by Big Mac loving Barton to get out of his current 12 match ban, although ‘Joey Le Barton’ is reported to have requested a transfer to Ligue 1 club Marseille in order to be closer to his family.

However some experts see this as further evidence that bin case Barton has a multiple personality disorder. One unnamed sports psychologists told World of Sports: “To my poorly trained eye it would appear that Joey Barton now has seven distinct personalities.” He continued: “There's the footballer, the philosopher, the wordsmith, the Frenchman, The teen beater, the pr*ck, and the tw*t. Oh, and the bell end. 8.”

Ferguson Hails Van Persie Signing as the ‘Perfect Owen Replacement’

Robin Van Persie has completed his £24m ambulance journey from Arsenal to Manchester United. A move hailed by Reds manager Alex Ferguson as the perfect replacement for Michael Owen.

Van Persie arriving at Old Trafford earlier today

The Dutch Darren Anderton has signed a four year deal and could make his debut sometime after Christmas dependent on him not stubbing his toe on the coffee table or banging his funny bone.

Santa’s favourite football manager Ferguson told World of Sports: “Michael’s departure last season left a gapping hole in the middle of the treatment room that not even Anderson could fill, but Robin is the ideal player to fill that void.”

The move also secures over 20 jobs at United’s state of the art Owen Hargreaves medical facility which has reportedly spent ‘thousands of pounds’ over the last three seasons on an orthopaedic chair, a stannah stair lift and one of those baths with a door on the side so you can just hobble in and out of it. An investment which many saw as risky, but that now looks like a shrewd bit of business.

Van Persie could be unveiled to the Old Trafford fans before the United’s first home Premier League game against Fulham as long as his mobility scooter arrives in time.

Roy Hodgeson Rules Himself Out of Own England Squad

England’s Football Team has been hit by yet another withdrawal ahead of tonight’s friendly against Italy at Wembley following news that Manager Roy Hodgeson will not be able to make it.

Roy is believed to love a bit of pie

It is believed that Hodgeson contacted someone at the FA this morning and asked them if they could pass the message on to FA chairman David Berstein that he wouldn’t be available tonight as something had come up.

A spokesman for the FA told World of Sports that the news wasn’t totally unexpected as Roy’s wife Sheila makes a lovely Shepard’s Pie on Wednesday nights. He added: “I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t go out on a wet Wednesday night when there’s hot mince and potatoes at home.” However this was later denied by some other faceless Forest Gump working at FA Headquarters.

This is the fifth withdrawal from England’s squad to face Italy tonight. Those already ruling themselves out include Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who claims to have left his favourite jeans in the washing machine leaving too little time for them to dry, Daniel Sturridge who wants to stay in to watch the start of celebrity big brother and Joe Hart who apparently can’t find his shin pads.

Earlier today Theo Walcott also pulled out of tonight’s game because he can’t quite get his hair right.

However the FA did confirm that it had received a large number of calls, texts and emails from Michael Owen letting them know that he is still available for selection should they get desperate.

World of Sports 2012 Olympic Awards

As the London Olympics draw to a spectacular close World of Sports panel of so called experts award the top three Team GB performances that made the 2012 games better than Prozac.

Double Bullet Ben Ainslie

Bronze

Sneaking onto the podium to claim our Bronze medal is the footballing Frankenstein that was ‘Team GB’. If nothing else the teams frankly lack lustre campaign provided an answer to the eternal question of what would an England team have been like with Ryan Giggs on the left wing. Consensus amongst pundits seems to be a resounding “just as sh*t.”

It appears that the inclusion of amorous Welshman Giggs in an England team would have only compounded their ability to disappear from tournaments long before playing anyone remotely decent.

Silver

The second step on the podium belongs to human tree trunk Sir Chris Hoy. Adding two more gold medals to his collection saw ‘charismatic’ Chris dethrone Sir Steve Redgrave as Britain’s most boring Olympian. Following his historic sixth Olympic victory television audiences were treated to an exchange of word between Hoy and the seemingly omnipresent Redgrave that proved so tedious it punched a hole through time.

Scores of viewer reportedly awoke a full half an hour later only to realise that they had missed Team GB golden girl Victoria Pendleton getting rinsed by Australian Anna Mears.

Gold

Taking top spot on the podium is Team GB flag ship Ben Ainslie. Despite making a shaky start to his quest for a fourth Olympic title, ‘Big B*stard’ Ben’s Danish and Dutch opponents felt it necessary to rub him up the wrong way by claiming he had cut a corner during the sixth race out of ten.

Showing admirable ‘Bulldog’ spirit Team GB’s top boy Ainslie responded by fanning over to his continental counterparts shouting “you f*cking want some?” before throwing an ashtray, his pint and some white plastic patio furniture in their general direction. It makes you proud to be British.

London 2012 Cycling: The Goodies Blame ‘Ageism’ for Missed Golden Opportunity

Disgruntled comedy cycling trio Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor have labelled Team GB coaching staff as ‘ageist’ after being denied an opportunity to compete for gold at their home Olympics.

Three-time Olympic silver medallists Brooke-Taylor, Garden and Oddie

The anarchic trio believe that despite being in the comedy cycling wilderness for nearly thirty years they deserved one last shot at Olympic glory. But they claim that Team GB chiefs overlooked them in favour of younger comedy cyclists like Bradley ‘Wiggo’ Wiggins.

Oddie, Garden and Brooke-Taylor became known as ‘The Goodies’ after a run of form saw them reach three consecutive Olympic finals between 1976 and 1984, as well as scoring pop chart success with ‘the funky gibbon’. But since then they have been absent from the comedy cycling circuit as their brand of family friendly bike based silliness fell out of favour.

Despite recently writing more contemporary material and posting some very competitive times during training the pedal pushing pensioners failed to make Team GB’s Elite Comedy Cycling Squad.

In response to his omission from the Olympic team bitter bird botherer Oddie told World of Sports: “It seems that Team GB prefer knob gags and foul mouthed toilet humour.” He added: “That may well be Sir Chris Hoy’s style, but it’s certainly not mine.” 

6 Out of 10 Olympic Spectators on Banned Drugs, Claims Ex Balco Chief

London 2012 organisers have been rocked by claims that sixty percent of spectators attending Olympic events are using performance enhancing drugs.

Looney Tooney Victor Conte

The outrageous claims were made by Victor Conte, the man famed for supplying slow motion sprinter Dwayne Chambers with the mind bending cocktail of drugs that made him want to play American Football.

Conte, who is believed to have supplied ‘nutritional products’ to shamed US sprinter Marion Jones and fictional Russian boxer Ivan Drago told World of Sports: “Doping is rife amongst the spectators. I’ve been inundated with requests from families wanting to get off their t*ts before entering Olympic venues.” He added: “I thought I’d bought enough sh*t to last the whole two weeks but I’d sold out by the fourth day. All I have left is a bit of personal.”

Victor ‘the man from Del Monte’ Conte backed up his claims by rambling: “Dude, you heard the frenzy in the velodrome. And I mean, Chris Hoy is exciting, but he’s not that exciting.” He continued: “And have you seen the queues for the toilet cubicles? You can’t tell me that all those people need a dump.”

“I’d say that it’s easily forty, no fifty, no sixty percent of the fans that are juiced” Said Conte, before running off at the sight of an Olympic park security official.

Crowds at Olympic venues have been noticeably over exuberant ever since seeing Kenneth Branagh dicking about in a stove pipe hat during the opening ceremony, but experts have put that down to spectators drinking too much fizzy pop.

London 2012: Missing Australian Athletes Apprehended

Home office officials have confirmed that nearly all of the Australian Athletes reported missing from the 2012 Olympics have now been apprehended.

Crying into his overly fizzy pond water of a pint

Nearly 300 members of the Australian Olympic delegation were reported to have absconded shortly after the opening ceremony. They included a large number of cyclist, most of the track and field squad and the entire swimming team.

But a Metropolitan Police official today confirmed that nearly all of the missing athletes have now been apprehended. He said: "Most of the missing Australian athletes have been successfully detained, the majority within walking distance of the Olympic village, with many suffering from a nasty stitch." He added: “It was surprisingly easy to catch them as they seemed sluggish and in a very poor state of health.”

Bruce Ramsey, head of the Australian delegation told world of sports: “All of our competitors turned up to the opening ceremony as they really wanted to see Dizzy Rascal, but when the events started they’d all gone missing!”

It is believed that many of the athletes were inspired to abscond by fellow Australian Rolf Harris who has inexplicably maintained a successful career in Britain for over 40 years.

One wheezing Australian athlete told World of Sports that he was planning to seek asylum in Britain. He said: “I was just seeking a better life for me and my family.” He added: “Living in Australia is unbearable. There are spiders that can kill you, if you go swimming the sharks eat you, the television is rubbish, all our food is burnt to a crisp and the beer is too fizzy. It’s a living hell”

Meanwhile a search and rescue operation for four missing Australian rowers has been scaled down. The alarm was raised when they failed to return after starting a first round heat over a week ago.

Lewis Hamilton Apparently Triumphs in Hungarian Grand Prix

Lewis Hamilton took his second victory of the 2012 Formula One season at the tight and twisty Hungaroring circuit nearly two weeks ago it has emerged. Unfortunately nobody noticed.

The crowds go wild following Hamilton's victory

Hamilton pulled cautiously away from the lights and proceeded to drive around for what seemed like a lot of laps going just slightly faster than everybody else. During the McLaren ace’s 63 lap lights to flag procession the 2008 World Champion was rumoured to have managed two or maybe three quick laps on the softer compound Pirelli tyres. This ensured that Hamilton moved to fourth in the championship after collecting 25 points for this most forgettable of wins.

A source close to Hamilton told World of Sports that: “We realised that nobody had seen Lewis for a couple of hours but when he returned he had apparently won a Grand Prix. To be honest we had noticed.”

Behind Hamilton, some other stuff was said to have happened including Lotus chatterbox Kimi Raikonen passing Sebastian Vettel and  Roman Grosjean whilst they were both stationary with no wheels on.

There was however some genuine excitement further down the field when 7 times world champion and midlife crisis on wheels Michael Schumacher stalled his Mercedes on the start line after becoming distracted by his mini rubix cube key ring. When the 80’s obsessed German did finally get going he could clearly be heard humming the theme to TV show ‘Knight Rider’ loudly over his race radio, until Team Boss Ross Braun told him to get out of the car.

MurrayBot 3.0 to Face iFederer2000 in Olympic Final

Britain’s MurrayBot 3.0 tennis droid will meet Switzerland’s aging iFederer2000 in the Olympic men’s singles final on Sunday after a straight-sets semi final victory over human opponent Novak Djokovic.

Sinister Scottish Cyborg MurrayBot 3.0

Team GB boffins were left jumping for joy as MurrayBot 3.0 took a 7-5 7-5 win to set up an all robotic rematch with 2012 Wimbledon winner iFederer2000. It was a near flawless display from Britain’s bionic bat and ball gold medal hope despite inexplicably crushing a ball boys hand during the first set.

Djokovic made a strong start but was unable to compete with the superior fire power of the morose machine’s laser canon and 400kph serve.

Following extraordinary advancements in the humourless humanoid’s central processor, software engineers now believe that the MurrayBot 3.0 could even develop a personality if given enough time.

The controversial project has been plagued by numerous technical issues from the beginning. Recent versions have suffered repeated fourth set battery failures, whilst the first prototype MurrayBot, affectionately known as Jaime, proved only good enough for use in the doubles.

London 2012: Japan’s Goalkeeper Visible from Outer Space

NASA today confirmed that Japanese goalkeeper Schuichi Gonda was indeed visible from outer space during Monday’s group A clash with Morocco at St James’s Park.

jesus christ my eyes!

Images taken from the International Space Station clearly show a massive fluorescent glow emanating from Gonda’s ridiculous kit.

The news came as no surprise to the St. James’s Park crowd, many of whom required treatment for sunburn, heat-exhaustion, and various visual impairments following prolonged exposure to the bonkers shot stopper.

Four Moroccan players are said to be recovering well after being airlifted to a specialist burns unit in Edinburgh.

TV pundit Mark Lawrenson described the colour of gordy Gonda’s explosive kit as being: “somewhere between anti-freeze and a tramp’s p*ss.”

Strangely, this is not the first time astronauts’ have witnessed unusual football related phenomena. In 1998 crew onboard the space shuttle Discovery were left stunned when most of northern France was obscured by a 500 mile wide shadow believed to have been cast by David Ginola’s ego.